Staying Afloat

I hate this feeling of just barely keeping my head above water. It was a very common feeling during the first 18 months of Jacob's life and hits me now and then still. It's largely a result of lack of sleep and energy. This time it's a combination of sleep loss and illness. I'm so tired of being sick!!

When I get in this mode, my kitchen is the first to be neglected and I'm constantly playing catch-up trying to get it under control. At first, it is imperative that I take care of myself and that's good. But then, I get in the habit of making excuses for not cleaning up and the mess continues. Or I'll just get it under control and then I'll let it go for one supper meal and I'm sunk. (I don't have a dishwasher, so it gets bad fast). When my energy levels are borderline, I'm easily overwhelmed. Meal making and all that goes with it: buying groceries, deciding what to make, and cleaning it up just becomes this insurmountable task. And mealtimes get late and sleeping schedules get whacked out and then there's more sleep loss...

I long to have beauty and order and purpose. Some days I feel like I'm getting there, but there are so many of these other days. I want to get beyond surviving.

It's 10:00. Maybe I should start by going to bed. Good night!

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