Being Real
I've been thinking a lot lately about different emotional issues in my life. About my heritage and how that affects me. And praying through things. I love how God has been bringing things up and revealing truth to me about them.
One thing that has come up is my tendency to withdraw when I'm feeling hurt or disappointed or angry...mostly when my needs or expectations aren't being met and I feel someone's not understanding me or meeting my needs when I expect them to. My next reaction is often to keep dwelling on the unfairness which leads to trying to control the other person and the outcome or becoming really discontent in my spirit or resentful or self-pitying or self-loathing because of all these negative thoughts and feelings or when I'm really at the end of my rope, just crying. (Now keep in mind as I'm writing this, that this is very uncomfortable for me to share because I don't like to let people into these weaker parts). And the more worked up I get inside, the uglier I become on the outside--not in words, because I usually can't form any, but in my eyes and my actions. Sometimes I imagine what kinds of martyr-like things I'll need to do in order to get the person to do what I want...because somehow I must win them to my side...be deserving enough of their love and attention. And I go over and over in my head what I must say in order to express what I'm feeling just right...so that there's no holes in my case where they can find fault. And if I think I can't get it right, I never do express it and the other person (usually Rod) feels cut off from me and doesn't know why.
Sometimes lately, I've been able to more quickly say what I need or feel before blowing it out of proportion. Sometimes I discover I didn't really need someone to rescue me--the problem was my own to work out. Sometimes I discover that Rod or whoever is more than happy to help me if I just ask. But the asking needs to be simple and without a lot of extra reasoning or pushing or conditions or excuses. Otherwise, it too becomes manipulative. And I wondered why I often feel I need to back up my requests with so many reasons. And I realized I don't trust that the people who love me most to delight in giving to me. That somehow I must always prove my worth and be deserving enough to receive what I need.
Even as I write that, I'm thinking "Whoa, is that how I view God, too?!" What a lie! God does delight in me and he wants to give me what I need way more than I want to give my kids what they need. And my husband delights in me, too. He wants to help me and know what I need, too. But I need to ask--with confidence. Yes, I need to also ask myself, "Is this something that is my own responsibility or is it a load that I need help carrying?" But I do not need to shrink back from asking because I don't think I deserve it.
Another issue that's related is learning to express myself in the whole spectrum of emotions. I've always found it difficult to put into words the feelings of anger and disappointment--basically where other people are involved and there's the risk of rejection from sharing my feelings. Where what I say could "make" someone feel bad (there's a lie right there) and possibly break relationship or at least cause some discomfort momentarily. Part of the problem is right there in that last sentence. My perception is usually that being true to what I'm feeling will cause a break in relationship, rather than simply causing discomfort for a while. It's true, what we do with our anger can be harmful and how the blame we place on a person for our disappointments can be damaging. But what we're angry about or disappointed over are probably some of the most key areas to share in order to ever be intimate with someone. (Okay, there's an insight that just kind of popped out!) But I'm always just so afraid of doing it wrong and causing pain and fearing the worst outcome that I just freeze up. So afraid that the relationship can't handle it. So afraid of losing the love of the ones I love most. (Now I'm getting teary...this must really be the core of it).
So, God, I just pray that you would come in your love and heal these broken places in me. Let me know first of all, that you will never leave or forsake me and you always delight in giving me all that I need. I can come to you in my immaturity and weakness and you don't find fault in me. You delight in my coming. You can handle my honesty. You can handle my anger and disappointment. You welcome my questions. And then, help me learn to trust those I want to be most intimate with enough to share all of what I feel. Guide me as I try this that I may do it with the motivation of love and the confidence of being loved. I trust you to bless me and my relationships as I seek to be real with my needs and emotions.
Saturday
About time
Well, it's been a little while since I last wrote anything. Let's see, what's on my mind and heart these days...
Family has definitely been on my heart. I'm thinking largely of the family I grew up in, but my own little family, too. I'm done with being family in name more than in closeness. So the work has begun. I really like my siblings. We've just either never been really close or we've drifted apart. So I'm trying to change that. I think it's really on God's heart, too. I think he has a cool plan for us. And I'm done with the attitude toward my parents that tends to rebel and blame rather than honor and bless. They have truly given me so much.
And I'm done with trying to attain to some level of perfection in being a parent and wife because anything less is just missing the mark. So when my shortcomings are pointed out or a better way suggested, I know that it's okay...it's a journey...I don't have to feel bad about myself because I wasn't perfect at such and such a time. That's not the expectation. I just have to try my best. That's all that I ask from Jacob. That's all God asks of me. And when I need help, I ask him for it...not to get out of my responsibilities, but to take care of my responsibilities. Because he has all the resources I need.
I thought I had dealt with all this perfectionism and where I get my worth from. But I think that's part of it...it was still all up to me. I was beyond these things (because I'm so good). But really I was probably just in denial that I still struggle in these areas and need the Holy Spirit to work in them. Because as soon as I am corrected or challenged, the sting is felt, the defenses go up, and the excuses come. I feel as if I need to explain why I didn't do it perfectly. As if someone really expects me to be perfect!
A good book I've begun to read is "The Power of the Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. One of her basic premises is that we aren't called to be perfect parents, but we can be praying parents. And that's one thing I know my grandparents and parents had going for them. I can fool myself into thinking that I'm where I am because of my own wisdom, but it's all because of what God has done, largely in answer to the faithful prayers of those people.
Another good book Rod and I are reading is "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby. It has its weaknesses too, but we're really getting hit over and over by how it's all what God's doing. How he works in us to will and to act, how he draws people to himself, how he teaches us etc. We just need to ask him to show us where he's working and how he wants us to join him. When we start asking for what he's got planned already, the stuff starts happening! But we need to get our eyes off our own plans. That's been a bit of a step for me anyways. I've been into a "know who you are and follow your dreams" thing. Although I still feel it's important not to neglect the way God has put me together, my primary goal must still be to seek first the kingdom of God. After all, this life isn't all we're down here for. It's much much more than that. And so the process of denying self without neglecting self begins. (At least, that's what I'm thinking right now...what do you think? Is there a difference? Is it significant?) Because so many have served and shrivelled up. Was that because it was their own agenda and they were not pulling alongside Jesus in their yoke with his empowerment? Or was it because they misunderstood "Love the Lord your God with all...and love your neighbour as yourself"
Ahhhh.....so many questions.
Well, it's been a little while since I last wrote anything. Let's see, what's on my mind and heart these days...
Family has definitely been on my heart. I'm thinking largely of the family I grew up in, but my own little family, too. I'm done with being family in name more than in closeness. So the work has begun. I really like my siblings. We've just either never been really close or we've drifted apart. So I'm trying to change that. I think it's really on God's heart, too. I think he has a cool plan for us. And I'm done with the attitude toward my parents that tends to rebel and blame rather than honor and bless. They have truly given me so much.
And I'm done with trying to attain to some level of perfection in being a parent and wife because anything less is just missing the mark. So when my shortcomings are pointed out or a better way suggested, I know that it's okay...it's a journey...I don't have to feel bad about myself because I wasn't perfect at such and such a time. That's not the expectation. I just have to try my best. That's all that I ask from Jacob. That's all God asks of me. And when I need help, I ask him for it...not to get out of my responsibilities, but to take care of my responsibilities. Because he has all the resources I need.
I thought I had dealt with all this perfectionism and where I get my worth from. But I think that's part of it...it was still all up to me. I was beyond these things (because I'm so good). But really I was probably just in denial that I still struggle in these areas and need the Holy Spirit to work in them. Because as soon as I am corrected or challenged, the sting is felt, the defenses go up, and the excuses come. I feel as if I need to explain why I didn't do it perfectly. As if someone really expects me to be perfect!
A good book I've begun to read is "The Power of the Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. One of her basic premises is that we aren't called to be perfect parents, but we can be praying parents. And that's one thing I know my grandparents and parents had going for them. I can fool myself into thinking that I'm where I am because of my own wisdom, but it's all because of what God has done, largely in answer to the faithful prayers of those people.
Another good book Rod and I are reading is "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby. It has its weaknesses too, but we're really getting hit over and over by how it's all what God's doing. How he works in us to will and to act, how he draws people to himself, how he teaches us etc. We just need to ask him to show us where he's working and how he wants us to join him. When we start asking for what he's got planned already, the stuff starts happening! But we need to get our eyes off our own plans. That's been a bit of a step for me anyways. I've been into a "know who you are and follow your dreams" thing. Although I still feel it's important not to neglect the way God has put me together, my primary goal must still be to seek first the kingdom of God. After all, this life isn't all we're down here for. It's much much more than that. And so the process of denying self without neglecting self begins. (At least, that's what I'm thinking right now...what do you think? Is there a difference? Is it significant?) Because so many have served and shrivelled up. Was that because it was their own agenda and they were not pulling alongside Jesus in their yoke with his empowerment? Or was it because they misunderstood "Love the Lord your God with all...and love your neighbour as yourself"
Ahhhh.....so many questions.
Friday
Here
I'm here but I have no idea what I'm going to write. I spent the day with my kids and made chicken soup and beef broth and the most amazing beef stir-fry (and can I just say my new thing is frozen veggies?! The Japanese mix is awesome!) Tonight I went to church, sans kids, and that was wonderful.
But what else? I feel rather non-feeling right now. The other day I put some music to some incredible lyrics written by my sister-in-law. That was exciting! Maybe I feel just a teensy bit let down tonight. Maybe I wanted another big high and it didn't come exactly. But God is working in this city. He has something in mind. We just need to keep on praying, keep on writing, keep on singing, keep on dancing, keep on shining, keep on loving, keep on following Him.
Maybe I'm just tired. It was a big day in the kitchen for me. But so satisfying. (And, unfortunately, so messy!) I probably should just work on cleaning up for a bit. Nah! But I love making soup. And I've never really done a beef soup where I actually make the broth from scratch. Kind of fun!
My kids are so cute! I took some photos of them today. That was neat for me to do. Felt creative. Wow, today was a pretty full day! God is good. My kitchen smells good. Soon I can go to bed.
I read a very interesting thread of conversation on someone's blog today. About homosexuality. Between a very diverse group of people. It really made me think. There is so much more to the issue than is made out to be in most of our Christian circles. There is so much pain involved, too many broad strokes, and not enough face-to-face understanding involved. I always wonder how we can find homosexuality to be blatantly wrong when we aren't nearly so blatantly condemning of other sexual sins that have pervaded the church and the world, ruining lives and causing so much pain in the process. And then there's Jesus saying that lust is committing adultery, and hating our brother is committing murder. God, would you help us to stop spending so much time trying to remove the specks out of other people's eyes and help us remove the log in our own. We can be so blind to our own sinful habits. So tolerant of our own wrong attitudes and actions. Make us holy as YOU are holy.
I'm here but I have no idea what I'm going to write. I spent the day with my kids and made chicken soup and beef broth and the most amazing beef stir-fry (and can I just say my new thing is frozen veggies?! The Japanese mix is awesome!) Tonight I went to church, sans kids, and that was wonderful.
But what else? I feel rather non-feeling right now. The other day I put some music to some incredible lyrics written by my sister-in-law. That was exciting! Maybe I feel just a teensy bit let down tonight. Maybe I wanted another big high and it didn't come exactly. But God is working in this city. He has something in mind. We just need to keep on praying, keep on writing, keep on singing, keep on dancing, keep on shining, keep on loving, keep on following Him.
Maybe I'm just tired. It was a big day in the kitchen for me. But so satisfying. (And, unfortunately, so messy!) I probably should just work on cleaning up for a bit. Nah! But I love making soup. And I've never really done a beef soup where I actually make the broth from scratch. Kind of fun!
My kids are so cute! I took some photos of them today. That was neat for me to do. Felt creative. Wow, today was a pretty full day! God is good. My kitchen smells good. Soon I can go to bed.
I read a very interesting thread of conversation on someone's blog today. About homosexuality. Between a very diverse group of people. It really made me think. There is so much more to the issue than is made out to be in most of our Christian circles. There is so much pain involved, too many broad strokes, and not enough face-to-face understanding involved. I always wonder how we can find homosexuality to be blatantly wrong when we aren't nearly so blatantly condemning of other sexual sins that have pervaded the church and the world, ruining lives and causing so much pain in the process. And then there's Jesus saying that lust is committing adultery, and hating our brother is committing murder. God, would you help us to stop spending so much time trying to remove the specks out of other people's eyes and help us remove the log in our own. We can be so blind to our own sinful habits. So tolerant of our own wrong attitudes and actions. Make us holy as YOU are holy.
