Well, I must congratulate myself. I am posting something within the same month as my last post. I've just been visiting some other people's blogs and been inspired. (However, maybe not inspired enough to actually write anything). But like my stream-of-conscious journalling, I'll just keep typing and maybe something of interest will come to me.

Last night, I did my "Ten Beautiful Things" right before bed. I think it will become a ritual. I will get one of those tiny spiral-bound notebooks and maybe even one for my hubby (and we can both do it! yeah...we'll see about that) Anyways, it was neat to look back on the day and recount the good things and then share them with Rod. He was pretty psyched that I counted our '76 Ford F150 Supercab longbox as one of them!

One of my ten beautiful things was helping someone in need. We met up with an acquaintance at church on Sunday who has having a hard time financially. So we invited him over and he did some work for us and I had a fun time putting together a bag of food for him. (A kind of motherly thing came over me!) Learning about the "web of exchange" has really helped us to see the importance of this. We're still not over our own financial woes, but we were still in a better position than he was and it was so satisfying to helphim!

On another note, it's really amazing to me how an apology can change the whole dynamic of relationship (note to self: remember this in marriage when the last thing I want to do is admit my wrongdoing). I feel like a huge thick grey curtain has been removed and I can look this person in the eye and get to know her. And I think it will be a pathway to further relationships with women (my big goal and big challenge this year...I seem to be friendship-impaired, whether it's a fear of intimacy...and possibility of rejection/abandonment...or the natural result of a life on the move...or some previously unhealthy "dependent" relationships). I'm really trying to struggle through these issues and develop some solid friendships, even with my sister, in-laws, and mother.

In a similar vein, I've met some people that I feel I really share a commonality with. How do I approach them and pursue further relationship with them? How do I express to them how much I can identify with their personality, their history, or the things that they currently struggle with or find particular joy in? My life in Winnipeg thus far has not made huge allowances for time for this. We've been in such a survival mode, trying to start a business, pay our bills, renovate our house, and then start a family. How do other people make time for significant relationship? I'm hoping in the next year when we have a more stable income and schedule to be able to connect more with people. I'm just not used to inviting people over (that's always been Rod's job...and he's always been so busy that he hasn't had the energy). It's too bad my site isn't open for comments. Or maybe it could be and I just don't know how.

I should probably go do something else while Jacob is still sleeping...

It's been a long time since I last posted anything. It seems I rarely get to the computer. Today I visited http://www.sacredspace.ie It was better than I thought it would be. The verses for the day were the "ask, seek, knock" and "giving your children a stone when they ask for bread" passage. The phrase that stuck out to me was "How much more will he give the Holy Spirit to those who ask?" About a week ago I had been reading one of the Alpha course books. It discussed the very same topic. How we've all been given the Holy Spirit as Christians but many of us have not been or are not being "filled" with the Holy Spirit. I still have trouble with this as I hear in my head the many reasons why this is preposterous and wrong from various sources growing up. And lately, my heart has scoffed at any notions of intimacy or supernatural power from God. (This bothers me and yet I'm almost still numb to it). On Sunday, a guy named Brad Jersak came and spoke at the Vineyard (we are now attending there). He talked in very simple terms the fact that all of us can hear God. We're supposed to. "The sheep hear his voice" (John 10) and "Call on me and I will answer you" (Jer 33?) And yet something in me or around me was trying to tell me that what he was saying was wrong or deceiving and I'd better beware of what he was saying. I don't think that was God (I mean, "stop and think"...it obviously isn't), but it's a vague feeling of unbelief that's hard to shake. I think I need some healing.

Anyways, back to the Holy Spirit. I always do really well with parallels in life. And Nicky Gumbel, the Alpha guy, spoke of a furnace where only the pilot light is on, versus the furnace that is blasting out heat. Both have the pilot light, but one is functioning in its purpose and its effects are obvious. The other one isn't doing a whole lot, but it can certainly say it's pilot light is still on. So, how do I get the burners fired and the winds blowing? Ask. That doesn't seem like enough. And I think I have asked. I am reminded that it is a continual filling. Maybe I've allowed a kind of drying up to happen. But what about tongues? This was addressed as well. I don't think I've ever actually been willing to speak in tongues. I've kept my mouth shut on this one. Why? It's too weird. I'm wary of it...it has always seemed wrong almost, all my growing up years. But it's mentioned in the Bible quite plainly. And I know when people have prayed for me in tongues, it has always had a lot of power, perhaps because I can't understand them and so my mind can't analyze what they're saying and I can only feel the effects.

Well, I'll have to go now. My son has just woken up from his nap. More later (but hopefully not too much later)